If they handed out an instruction booklet for children, there would be at least one chapter on discipline. In fact, if the author had a very active two year-old, she might have four chapters on just that subject.
There are so many questions and issues. How do parents tell if the behaviour s going to develop into a problem? When do you just absolutely put your foot down? How much reasoning is really expected with a child?
Discipline is the shaping of children’s behaviours in positive and effective ways. The goal is children that grow to be happy, healthy and, ultimately, productive members of society. This requires that our kids learn how to behave in a socially acceptable manner and learn self-discipline. Achieving that goal requires navigating the mine field of your two, three, six, or twelve year-old’s autonomy.
A child's need to assert some control over his or her own world is normal. Encouraging children to make good, healthy decisions on their own, then, is the underlying goal. This is trickier than expected… get a two year-old to see that 52 cookies are not good for the tummy. Use good logic and reasoning so that he will decide on his own that two cookies are enough. Hmmm.
And when he throws a fit about not getting more? Discipline still isn’t punishment. Spanking doesn’t work.
Psychologist Daryl Chow with Mount Elizabeth Hospital shares the problems associated with spanking children, "Spanking is punitive, instead of educational. Punishment intimidates the child and strikes fear, even though the intent is to curb negative behavior. At times punishment might seem to stop the problem behaviour. However, it is often temporary: when parents are out of sight, the problem behaviour resumes. Punishment teaches the child what not to do as opposed to what to do. Several studies have indicated that the more spanking the child receives at home, the more likely he or she will be aggressive toward their peers."
The long and short of it is that spanking junior for eating the whole packet of cookies just isn’t going to work. The spanking creates a more aggressive attitude about the situation and the decision making process.
Discipline and proactive parenting then are the goals. Learn to set realistic goals for the age of the child. A 12 year-old does understand that 52 cookies will make him sick. There fore it is a bad choice. A two year-old doesn’t and shouldn’t be confronted with the decision. Creating a framework in which your child can learn self-discipline in small steps helps your child to develop a strong self discipline over time. Don’t expect miracles overnight. The goal is a disciplined adult. You have a good 18 years to perfect the molding.
One helpful tool in the parenting arsenal is consistency.
Consistency is one of the most important tools a parent has in raising children. It helps your child understand what the expectations are so that they can meet them appropriately.
Another example, a two year (ok, this would be my two year old!) throws a ball at a glass window. You would tell him once, "Do not throw the ball in this room. The glass will break." He looks you right in the eye (as two year-olds often do when they are about to flagrantly disobey) and he raises his arm to throw the ball a second time. Do not run across the room, grab your child and spank his bottom for his insolence and disrespect. Simply pick him up and remove the ball from his hand. This is the punishment for the bad choice. He will loose the ball.
This may evoke crying or the early stages of tantrum. Ignore this. It will be hard but if you respond the tantrums will indeed get worse. It is a learned response by the child that if a tantrum gets attention (positive or negative) then it works and should be used again.
Instead, ignore the tantrum and take him to a different part of the room or house and initiate a different game.
Do not warn him a second or third time. Do not punish him for making the wrong choice. He has already been punished for his wrong choice; he lost the ball.
Belaboring the point does not help. The second and third warnings only teach your child not to listen to the first warning. The expectation is that your child responds your first instructions, not ignoring you until the rising crescendo indicates you really mean it.
A few other things to watch out for:
- Distinguish between your child’s bad choices and your child.
- Set realistic goals for your child.
- Pick your battles: Throwing a ball at a glass window is a battle. The great desire to wear the ugly green shorts again may be something to overlook.
In a nutshell, none of these parenting choices are easy. Raising children is probably the greatest challenge and one true legacy for the world. It is hard work. In fact, raising children into happy, healthy human beings it is a monumental task. It's not easy but it is worth it.
